Two weeks into being homebound with all outside activities unexpectedly and abruptly cancelled, most of us are doing our best to adapt to all the changes. Some of my clients reported feeling frustrated and lonely, while others presented and reported feeling more at ease and focused. Naturally, there’s multiple variables at play for each client and family. Yet, I started to contemplate, “What is a common factor that can help all of us step-up to better support our children at this time?” And, I realized that whatever our unique experience may be, we are currently in a state of transition. One which could be an opportunity for intentionally moving in a direction to strengthen our emotional bonds with our children and support them to become more independent and responsible.
What’s the common factor?
The quality of the relationship we establish with our children as well as our awareness of the kind of young adult we want our child to be is our most powerful common factor. In a moment when home has become our mothership, and external systems are currently suspended to varying degrees, we have a greater degree of influence and can choose to proceed with a spirit of collaboration as we aim to guide, mentor and model for our children the lessons and qualities we envision for their adulthood.
Promoting a safe and collaborative relationship?
We all have values that we want to instill in our children. If we adopt a collaborative approach to our parenting strategies, we would start with an understanding that our children are not a passive and vacant vessel ready to be filled. Rather, we would know that our children are intelligent and capable of helping us gain new insights. They may quite well share our values or help us to revisit values that no longer serve us. They have valuable ideas and deserve to be heard.
- We would then focus on helping to support their natural abilities by providing them with an opportunity to practice taking increasing responsibility of their environment and life. Start by asking your child to create a proposed schedule for how they want to spend their morning, afternoon, a full day, or a full week, or design a game or plan a family activity. Teens, in particular, should be given this opportunity as they will need this life skill in just three to four years. If you have more than one sibling at home, ask them to create a schedule for completing household chores that they are capable of completing (as long as you know one teen will not overpower the other). When reviewing schedules and plans, your role is then to guide your child through a discussion to help your child see what you see by asking questions or pointing out gaps. (This is how we develop dynamic intelligence and problem-solving skills).
- We would then refrain from ordering or telling our kids what to do but rather engage in conversations and dialogue to discuss our ideas, thinking and reach an agreed upon plan. A child that is silence and told what to do will not know how to stand up for himself with his peers or have a sense of healthy boundaries in relationships. Consider arriving a list of agreements about expected behavior for all family members as a way of supporting a collaborative and safe home environment. You are then modeling respectful and collaborative communication and this experience will be a framework for your child to use in her relationships. These are the agreed upon social rules that can make an office environment productive. Right?
- We can decide what our non-negotiables are when setting rules and expectations and accept the unpleasant emotions of our children as a healthy response that can be curved with empathy. Often simply saying, “I know this situation sucks and I understand that it’s frustrating for you,” is enough to help the child tolerate their discomfort and become available to reasoning.
- We can prioritize our child’s emotional well-being over achievement as a thoughtful mentor would during a time of high stress. For example, your very shy teenager may need more opportunities to engage with friends to avoid social regression and this may mean more flexible rules with cell phones and other electronics with a clear and specific expectation such as phone need to be put away at the dinner table because dinner is an opportunity for direct interaction. And, keep in mind, seating together quietly counts for quality time. And, making ourselves available for a daily shared activity that’s fun, whether it’s inviting your daughter out for a run, your son to prepare a meal with you or the whole family clean up the family room in five minutes! (When our boys were younger, we used to design our own minute games and play a Minute to Win It. The youngest boy was often the host dressed in fancy suit with a mic and all, I was the camera woman, and my husband and older son were our contestants. These videos are some of our most prized possessions. Too bad, they’re not currently up for a re-run)
What will be the potential gains and loses?
You may lose a momentary sense of control or feel like this approach takes up more energy, and want to revert back to issuing orders. If you hold on the big picture and persist, your child will know that during a time of unpredictability and heightened stress, they were trusted by you to take a lead and that they were capable. They may have for the first time an opportunity to see, with your respectful guidance, the routines and structures that have helped them in their school setting and become really curiously invested in re-designing their space at home.
My college freshman and I spent a large portion of his senior year in high school having him try out different spaces to study including quiet places like the library or active places like a coffee shop. I wanted him to know that he had the capacity to know what felt right and worked for him. It was not easy for me to watch his process as I had a very good idea about what he needed and wanted to just tell him, but of course, then I would rob him of his own discovery or I could be in for a surprise as he would have his own insights!
I know that you are all invested in your children and that you are all doing your super best. I hope these ideas for enhancing your connection and boosting your child’s sense of empowerment and self-efficacy make sense and are useful to you. Thank you for reading.